


50 Shades of Fucked Up

by jigokunooji



Category: Bring Me The Horizon
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Oliver Sykes - Freeform, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide, reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 07:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8703538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jigokunooji/pseuds/jigokunooji
Summary: After an incident you and Oli had you turn to self harming and you keep it a secret from him but when he finds out he's desperate to get you help.





	

"Shes ugly" "why would Oli even go for someone like her" "he probably only wants her so he can get more publicity" "she looks like a slut" 

Every time I went on Twitter there was always people harassing me just because I'm dating Oli. I started to believe that these things were true. What if he didn't really love me? I pulled down my sleeve to see freshly made scars. I deserved these. Every since scar I made, every single harsh comment, every single threat. I deserved it all. I hear footsteps coming towards me so I quickly pull my sleeve down and stand up, brushing my pants off. Oli greets me with a kiss and I fake a smile which he didn't seem to notice.

"Show is gonna start soon, you ready babe?" He asked, hoping it was a yes because he loves when I'm on stage with him.

"y-yeah." I barely managed to say. My breathing was shaky and he noticed right away.

"Baby don't be nervous, once you start to enjoy it the nervousness will go away. Do you want to start with a more upbeat song to get you in the spirit? I can have things rearranged if you wa-"

I quickly cut him off. "No it's ok, i'll be fine."

"Alright well lets go, show's about to start." He grabs my hand and leads me the way to the stage.

As we get closer I can hear the beginning of Follow You playing. I start to feel sick and I wanted to just turn back but this was important to Oli so I couldn't just ditch him just because I can't calm myself down. We reach the steps and he turns towards me giving me one last kiss before we get up on stage. I look across the arena and see so many cheering fans. I'm going to get so much shit for this later. Oli grabs my hand to get my attention. He's singing but it's mainly towards me. "You've got me on my knees I'm your one man cult Cross my heart and hope to die Promise you I'll never leave your side." This time i actually smile. He was such a sweetheart and knew little things like that could make me smile. He made me forget about my problems and always knew how to have fun. The song ends and he raises our hands in the air which causes my sleeve to fall down, barely showing my scars. I doubt anyone would notice anyway since there was somewhat of a distance between me and the crowd. Oli plays a few more songs, me being in only one since they were all upbeat songs. After he finishes we decide to have lunch at a cafe. It's where we always went after Oli would play a show in our hometown.

We both order the same thing as we usually do and start eating. My phone starts going off, more than it usually does. "Shit." I say under my breath. I pull my phone out to silence it and put it back in my pocket, excusing myself to the bathroom. Once I reach the bathroom I pull my phone out and open the Twitter app. Tons of tweets and pictures of the show Oli just did. There was a lot of "ugh why did that ugly whore have to show up at the show" and "i might have to stop going to see Oli live if that bitch is always going to be there." I go to the pictures and they are almost all of my arm where you can see my scars. I go to one tweet with the caption "she gets a little criticism and she starts cutting herself. That emo freak might as well kill herself too." I burst into tears as im reading the tweets being sent to me. More and more come in every second. Why don't they just leave me alone? Why am I being harassed like this? That's when I get a text. It's from Oli. I open the messenger app.

Oli <3: Hey y/n you okay in there? It's been 6 minutes  
Me: Yeah sorry, I just forgot I had to call someone and it was important  
Oli <3: Okay well come back so we can finish eating and head home

I fix myself up so it looks like I wasn't crying and come out the bathroom, heading over to the table Oli is at and sit down. He starts questioning me about who i was on the phone with and what we were talking about. I pretty much gotten used to it because he does it all the time but I understand he's just being protective of me. We finish eating and leave.We get in the car and drive off. It was silent except the sound of him tapping on the steering wheel which was kind of calming to be honest. By the time we got home it was almost pitch black outside which is unusual because it was only 6:45pm. We get in the house and I immediately go upstairs to shower since it was such a long day. Oli follows behind me and sits down on the bed as I find something comfy to wear. I became a bit nervous when he didn't say anything to me. He didn't even ask if he could join in the shower with but I didn't want to think too much of it because he was most likely exhausted from performing. When I get get in the bathroom I turn the water on and strip out of my clothes. The water hitting my fresh scars stung of course but I ignore the pain and wash up. 

~Oli POV~

It's been a long exhausting day and I was so relieved to be home so I could relax. I open the Twitter app and tweet out saying I hope everyone enjoyed the show. Also since my notifications have been blowing more than usual i I decide to see what is up. Scrolling through I only see tweets about the show so far, that's when I stop at a picture. It's of someone's arm with cuts, to be exact it's y/n's arm. But she doesn't seem like the person to do something like that and if she did she would tell me, right? I hear the water turn off which means she's finished her shower. I close out of Twitter and toss my phone to the side, putting my face in my hands. I had to find out the truth, if y/n was self harming or not. I hear the bathroom door open and footsteps coming in our room.

"Long day?" I hear her say but I don't look at her.

"Oli?" There was confusion in her voice. I stand up, going over to her and grabbing her arm, turning her arm so I could see her wrist and just as I thought, there were scars all down her arm. 

I look her right in her eyes, "why the hell do you do this shit? This shit can put you in the fucking hospital y'know!" I slightly yell at her. "Do you want to end up in the hospital!?"

There are tears in her eyes but I didn't care. I want to know why she does this to herself and why she's been hiding it from me, I could of got her help, I could of prevented this from happening but she acted like everything was fine. She doesn't say anything, she just stands there looking down at the floor, tightly gripping onto the towel that's wrapped around her body with tears running down her face. I sigh, sitting at the edge of the bed and just think. Am I a bad bf? Do I not treat her good enough? Why could she not trust me enough to tell me? So many questions but none of them had answers. 

~y/n POV~

I stand in fear, tightly gripping the towel I still have wrapped around me from the shower I took. I was scared to say anything and I don't know why. The longer I take to respond, the more pissed he gets and I didn't want that. I try to find the courage to speak but I just can't, what am I even supposed to say? I can't tell him it's the fans harassing me, he wouldn't believe me. I can't come up with a lie, he'll figure out right away.

I try my best to calm my breathing and sit down on the bed next to him, "I-I'm sorry for not telling y-you. I was just.....scared."

He lifts his head up but doesn't look at me, "I have to get you help y/n, If I don't you might end up cutting too deep and end up in the hospital and I don't want that. I love you, do you not know that?" 

"I...I don't know Oli..." Is all I could say. If I said any more it would probably lead into an argument.

"What made you not so sure? It's not someone harassing you is it? If someone's harassing you i'll kick their ass. Nobody is allowed to hurt my precious princess."

I look down, tears fill my eyes, "people on Twitter have been harassing me and I just take it. Every time they see pictures of us together they get angry and attack me telling me I'm ugly or that I'm a whore and you don't really love me. Whenever I'm on stage with you they threaten to never come to another one of your shows if I'm there. I feel like it's all my fault for coming into your life."

He pulls me into a tight hug and doesn't let go, "Don't listen to them okay, I'll fix this."

Time Skip

Oli never told me how or what he was going to do to fix this I just know he wants me at the show with him. We're both backstage getting ready for the show. He's wearing black skinny jeans and a t shirt with a flannel and I'm just wearing an oversize sweater with black leggings, something I usually wear. Music suddenly starts playing and fans start cheering. We head to the stairs that lead to the stage and that's when Oli turns to me. I expect him to kiss me like he usually does but he explains that he's going to play a song and then stop the show to bring me out. I just go with it because of course like I said before this is important to Oli, I can't just bail on him. 

He gives me a quick kiss before going out on stage. Fans cheer louder and he starts performing. As I wait I open the Twitter app and just like usual there are people harassing me. I try to ignore it this time because I know once this song is over everything will hopefully be settled. The song comes to an end and I close out of the Twitter app and lock my phone. That's when I hear Oli's voice. 

"I have something really important to tell you guys because just last night I found out that someone really close to me has been dealing with some things because of some people so y/n please come out here on the stage with me." He looks over to where I am and I take a deep breath and walk out onto the stage and stand next to Oli. 

He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close to him. "Alright so people have been harassing y/n on Twitter lately and I bet some of you here today are the ones that's doing that shit. If you are, go fuck yourselves. Whether you like it or not this is my girlfriend and I love her. I don't know where you got the idea that I don't but you can keep that bullshit to yourselves because I don't wanna fucking hear it and neither does she." 

~Oli's POV~

As people are cheering I scan over the crowd, breathing heavily since I had just performed and I still had a lot of energy in me. The next song starts playing and y/n loosens herself from my grip and goes back stage. As much I tried I couldn't concentrate. There was so much going on in my head from making this all stop to getting y/n help. Although the only problem so far is people harassing her she still has that mindset that self harming is the best way to cope with it and it's not. My band mates could tell I was slacking so they get the crowd involved in singing as I try not to fail completely. The song comes to an end and I go backstage for a bit to cool off and pull myself together that's when I noticed y/n wasn't around. Since she's a girl I just assumed she's in the bathroom doing her business. I don't want to overthink things and go crazy about it.

I finish off the rest of the show and head backstage where I'm greeted by y/n.

"Hey babe, how was the show?" She smiles and kisses me.

"It was pretty great, I could barely focus though. I kept thinking about this all ending and then getting you help." 

A look of confusion comes across her face. "But if this all ends i'll be fine, it's not like I'm depressed or anything."

"You're not in the right mindset. You think the best way to cope with things is to self harm. I can't have you doing that. You could end up in the hospital. Do you want that?" 

She looks down, "No...I guess not. I just...really don't want to have to go through all this. They'll put me on meds and you know I hate taking meds. It's not right for me."

"Now you sound like you really need help but they won't put you on meds. Well unless you really need it which you don't so don't worry." I pull her into a tight hug and don't let go. I have to be the one to help just like she helped me. If I don't, things might get worse. 

We head home and she takes a shower as I look for a psychiatrist for her since I was so desperate on getting her help. I don't want nothing happening to her. I don't want to wake up one day to find out she cut too deep and there's no saving her. That would really drive me over the edge and I don't know what I would do. I would probably have to go get help myself just to keep sane. Slipping into another drug addiction is really dangerous and I promised y/n I would never do it again no matter what. I hear the water turn off and half a minute later y/n comes out only wearing a towel.

"You know, one day I'm going to punish you for teasing me like this." I joke. She blushes slightly and jokes back.

"Maybe that's why I tease you. Maybe I want you to punish me." 

I just shake my head and get back to what I was doing, trying to ignore the fact that she was changing in front of me. 

"So have you found anything yet? Or are you still looking?" 

I scroll through the site of what people say is one of the best psychiatrist in town to find a number to call. "Yeah I did actually. I'm just trying to find a number to call to get things set up so we can schedule an appointment for you." 

~y/n's POV~

I finish getting dressed and sit down on the bed next to Oli, looking at what is on the screen. "You know I just realized I haven't checked Twitter almost all day. There are probably still people harassing me since not everyone got the memo."

"Why are you worried about that right now babe? You're here at home with me. At least try to relax and have a good time. It doesn't have to be a problem all the time y'know."

I sigh, "you're right...I don't know why I'm like this. I'll just try to relax from now on." It was true. I always felt like I had to make something dramatic happen in order to make life interesting but that's not how things should be. I need to try and relax more often and not always feel on edge with things. Although it was tempting to just check what people were saying on Twitter I knew Oli would get mad at me. Instead I went on Instagram since it's been months since the last incident. 

~Flashback~

"y/n what the hell were you thinking when you posted this?" He shows me a picture of  himself with the caption "this is the love of my life, the man that makes me the happiest. Being with him has really changed me and without him I don't know what I would do. I feel so thankful and so lucky to have him and I feel like something like this should not be kept a secret. 

Once i finish reading I look up at him and he does not look happy. "I'm sorry Oli, I was just really excited and happy all of sudden. I can take it down for you."

"I told you I wasn't ready to make our relationship public just yet. I wanted to make sure you wasn't going to break my heart so I wouldn't be publicly humiliated but I see it's too late for that." He walks out the room, slamming the door behind him. 

I didn't see why being heartbroken was such a big deal to him. He's the love of my life. I could never hurt him. I even explained it in the post. Was there something he's hiding from me? Something he hasn't told me?

~Flashback Over~

After Oli posted something in reply to my post everyone went crazy but now nobody is talking about it. Now my account is dead. I still have over 4k followers but because I haven't posted since that incident, everyone pretty much forgot me. Except on Twitter, where people somehow found my account and started harassing me.

Oli starts speaking, breaking me out of thought. "Alright I finally found the number. I'll just call in the morning though since I know nobody will answer at this time of day. We should get some sleep though, it's starting to get late."

"Yeah." Is all I say before plugging my phone in the charger and getting under the covers.

Oli does the same and wraps his arm around me. "Goodnight my princess."

"Goodnight my prince."

Next Morning

I wake up to the sound of talking which is kinda loud but still very distant. I sit up in bed and check the time. 9:05am.  
Oli wasn't in bed so I'm guessing he got up to talk with a psychiatrist. Since he wasn't in the room I grab my phone and open the Twitter app. Everyone pretty much stopped harassing me except for a few people who I guess never got the memo. I decide to tweet at one of them because honestly what's the worst that could happen? I simply tell them that Oli gave a "speech" at his recent show that was most likely recorded and that they should watch it. After tweeting that I close out of the Twitter app and get out of bed to go make some breakfast. I was in the mood for scrambled eggs and toast and I knew Oli liked it because it's simple and easy to make. Just as I'm cooking breakfast Oli comes downstairs and behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.

"Good morning princess, how was your sleep?"

I gently smile, "it was good, what about you? Did you have a good sleep?"

He lets go and goes over to make his toast. "It was good, I scheduled you an appointment by the way. This Monday at 4:30 pm."

"But you have a show at 4:00. How will you get me there?"

He sighs, "I don't know but that's the only availability they have at the moment."

I put scrambled eggs on our plates and sat down to eat. "We can think of something. We got 4 days including today."

Since there was nothing to talk about we eat in silence, paying attention to our phones more than the food. I figured because I haven't posted on instagram in months that I would take a picture of my breakfast and post it. I immediately get spammed with likes and a few comments that had nothing to do with the picture but I was fine with it. It makes me happy though, knowing people actually miss me and are glad that I came back. I didn't realize Oli was staring at me until I put my phone down and looked up at him.

"What has got you smiling?" I could hear the jealousy in his voice which I thought was kinda cute.

"Oh, I just posted our breakfast on Instagram and I got comments of people saying they're glad I'm back."

"Let me see." He grabs my phone and looks through the comments. "Oh, well you were right. Sorry." He gives my phone back and goes back to eating. 

Time Skip

It was now the day of my first psychiatrist appointment and I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty nervous. I've never seen a professional before because I never really had anything wrong. I dress into some jeans and a tank top with a cardigan over top and Oli just wears casual ripped jeans and a sweater.

~Oli's POV~

So the plan is y/n will take a taxi to the appointment and she will text me to let me know she got there safe and then once the show and appointment is over I can pick her up. I hope this does help her though. She deserves the best so I want to try to be the best for her by being there for her and getting her help so she has the right mindset. I kiss her goodbye and head to the show while she stays behind since it's a bit far from our home. She wouldn't make it anyway if she was to come to the show with me before leaving. I can't help but constantly worry for her and wonder if she'll be okay in the end. I've never really been with anyone that had that kind of mindset and did these kind of things. I kinda feel like I'm the blame for it. She was fine in the beginning and always told me everything but now she doesn't. 

 

It feels different without y/n here since she always comes with me to shows and gives me motivation. Even when I damaged my voice she encouraged me to still try my best but to also not strain my voice too much which was never really easy. First song starts and I just get this really bad feeling, like something is going to happen. Second song: the feeling got stronger and I start feeling sick. Third song: I thought I wouldn't make it through the whole song. Fourth song: I stopped in the middle of it and apologized to everyone and told them I would have to stop the show. I run backstage, trying to catch me breath and that's when this weird feeling washes over me. I puke everywhere. I start feeling shaky and hot out of nowhere so I find anyway I can to cool off.

My band mates give me water and something to fan myself with. "You're overworking yourself man. You should probably go home and rest. Stay off your feet for a while."

"Yeah." I mutter out.

I lied down on the floor hoping that will sorta help and drink as much water as I can. I had someone call y/n to let her know what was going on and that when she was done with her appointment to come over right away. Unfortunately since it was only 5 minutes into her appointment she would not be here for another 25 to 30 minutes. A lot of the fans had already left but there was still a group that stayed to make sure i was alright. The band mates tried to tell them I was alright and that they should go home since it was getting dark but they refused and even demanded they see me. It's flattering of course and I appreciate it but I already had my band mates and y/n on her way. 

By now it was 5:10 and I was waiting for y/n to show up any minute. I felt a bit better and was able to sit up fully and move around a bit. I decided to call y/n and ask her where she's at and what's taking her so long but she didn't pick up. I call again and still no answer, where the hell could she be?

~y/n's POV~

I didn't get the message that Oli needed me until my appointment was over. I rushed to find a taxi and tell them to take me to the arena where Oli had performed which was about 30 minutes away. It never really came to mind that he would get sick in the middle of a show because he was fine all day. Even if he was feeling sick he would just cancel the show and I would take care of him. Once we got there, there was a lot of people surrounding the place which i'm guessing are his fans. I pay the driver and thank him as I get out of the car. As i'm looking for the entrance I bump into a guy who looks almost as tall as me.

"Oops, i'm sorry." I quickly say before looking down and going to walk away but he stops me. 

"Aren't you Oliver Sykes' girlfriend?"

I look up at him, "yeah, why?" 

He spits on me and pushes me causing me to fall back and hit my head and that's when I black out. 

~Oli's POV~

y/n still hasn't shown up so I decided to go out and look for her, not caring if I wasn't 100% well. It was pretty dark when I got outside but there was streetlights so I was able to see better. I go around the other side of the arena where my car is at and there's a person laying on the pavement. Being the person I am I go to help them because nobody should just be left laying on the ground with nobody to help them. Once I reach them and go to pick them up I immediately see that it's y/n!  I shake her hoping she'll wake up until I soon realize her head is bleeding. I have to get her to a hospital. I quickly pull out my phone and dial 911 and tell them my location and that I need an ambulance.

As I'm waiting for the ambulance I wrap my shirt around her head to slow down the bleeding and console her. How the hell did this happen? Why did I let her go out alone? This is all my fault. My thoughts were cut off by the sound of sirens. The ambulance is finally here. I pick her up bridal style and carry her over where they put her on a gurney and we all get in the back of the ambulance. The ride to the ambulance was awkward because it was silent except for when the paramedics were asking me question which was even awkward then because I didn't know what happened. We get to the emergency room and they rush y/n in with me following behind. Unfortunately they make me wait in the waiting room where I have to fill out paper work.

 

As I'm sitting in the waiting room I hear my name being called. "Oliver Sykes."

I stand up and go over to the doctor, "yeah?"

"I got some bad news. y/n took a pretty bad fall and it looks like she has Traumatic Brain Injury. She will be in a coma for quite some time. That's all we know at the moment though so we will call you when we find anything else." 

My heart shattered. "Thanks for letting me know doc." I turn around and leave.

I didn't even want to bother seeing y/n, I needed to be alone. I needed...I needed something. The pain in my chest hurt more and more and I began shaking. Not because it's cold and I'm wearing nothing but a bloody shirt but because I was angry. Angry at myself for leaving her alone and angry at the person that did this to her. I didn't know where I was going but I ended up at the arena I last played at. Since my car was there I decided that where I would sleep tonight hopefully in the morning they'll have some good news. 

 

I almost forgot where I was when I woke up to a bunch of people talking and slight giggles. There were a group of girls and a couple guys sitting a couple feet from my car chatting and giggling. I sit up and check the time on my phone, it was still pretty early and I still got nothing from the doctor. I decide I would drive back to the house and relax for a bit since I didn't have a show today and there was nothing else to do. I get in the front seat and start the car and the group sitting on the pavement quickly get up and rush to my car, knocking on the window. I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone right now but I assumed they were fans so I roll my window down and the girl in front starts talking.

"Hey Oli, I was at your show yesterday and I'm sorry if I'm bothering you I just wanted to ask if everything is alright? You're a really big inspiration to me."

I slightly smile. "Yeah, just dealing with some things but thanks, I appreciate it. Would you like a picture?"

She instantly gets excited, "oh my god, yes I would love that!" She pulls out her phone, going to the camera and turns so we're both in the shot.

I smile big and she takes the picture. "Thank you so much, have a great day!" And with that she walks off with the group and I roll my window back up and head home.

I find myself thinking about y/n again. I was so attached to her because I love her to death. I never wanted anything to happen to her because I knew I would go insane and that's exactly what I did last night. When I got home I decided to tweet how I felt because that's what everyone seems to want to know.

For everyone wondering, I am okay. I just need some time to clear my head and be alone for a while and I should be back to normal soon.

I really didn't want anymore to worry because I wasn't an endanger to myself. I wasn't going to become a drug addict again or become an alcoholic just because I felt like I failed as a boyfriend and couldn't save y/n. I wish I could see her but I knew it was pointless because she won't be able to see or hear me and seeing her like that is too heartbreaking. I felt gross being in a bloody shirt that I wore yesterday while performing so I decide to take a shower and change into clean clothes that I can relax in while I sit and watch a movie. 

Time Skip

Eight weeks later and the doctor calls me letting me know that y/n is finally awake. I knew people were usually in a coma for several weeks but to me it felt like a year. I missed her so much and couldn't wait to have her in my arms again and keep her safe. I wear a red and black flannel with some ripped skinny jeans, a casual look for me and I head to the hospital. When I get there I go to the lady at the desk and tell her who I am and who I'm visiting. She gets a doctor to escort me and we go up to the room y/n is in. The doctor goes in first and I follow behind.

"Ms. y/l/n there is someone here to see you." 

I peak out from behind him and give her a warm smile. She looks beautiful as always, even when she's laying on a hospital bed in a hospital gown.

I go up and sit in the chair next to her, "oh my god y/n I missed you so much, it's been so long." 

A look of panic and confusion comes across her face. "W-who are you?" 

She forgot who I was. How could she forget me when I'm supposed to be the love of her life. "It's me Oliver, your boyfriend. How could you forget me?"

"I-I don't know but please get away, you're too close and I'm getting scared."

My heart broke after hearing those words. Not only does she forget who I am but I can't be near her because I scare her. I get up and leave the room not even bothering to look at anyone or say goodbye. This girl was someone I couldn't live without and now she doesn't even remember me and probably never will. Once i left the hospital I kept walking and walking until I reached a bridge. I looked over the edge and there were a lot of cars driving by, some of them probably driving home to their loved ones. A voice in my head told me to jump and I thought it was a good idea. y/n will probably never remember me. She'll eventually get better and create new memories, memories with someone else. I climb up on the ledge taking one last look at the city and taking my last breath before falling forwards. 


End file.
